shut up Jeremy I'm still here

this counts as an entry

so lately it's been weird because i've been noticing the reality of things more. not big things but just little subtle things. like this morning when i woke up and put my feet down on the carpet i just looked down at it like i all of a sudden felt the carpet on my feet and i hadn't even noticed it before. or like yesterday when i was out walking to the cafeteria and it was windy and nice out everything seemed more real like i was present and could feel the temperature and wind and everything. these aren't particularly strange things....more strange that they weren't present to me before. but i think it's good....i think maybe before i was more going through the motions...get up...go to class...eat...do homework...go to sleep....   it became such a routine that i think i was only half conscious of everything anymore. which is depressing. so it's good if im getting back into things. i was called a "crazy psycho bitch" by one person....not a person of reputable character but it still made me wonder if it was true. i felt like reality was slowly evading me and i was becoming a sadly robotized version of myself.  for someone who has an extreme fear of death and not being able to accomplish all the things i want to accomplish, how scary is it to find out that for awhile you've only been half-participating in life? let me tell you its frightening. it may be safe and comfortable to keep yourself isolated and shut off from the vulnerabilities of life but it's not much fun either. im not going to be sitting on the sidelines anymore....

however i still vascillate back and forth between desperate despair and frustration at how tough this semester is and the possibility that my grades "won't be good enough" (note: won't be good enough only applies to how i will feel about them as i am my own toughest critic) to feeling its too tough and there's no way i can get good grades so i might as well give up (which i never would). my all-or-nothing thinking makes me one of the most dramatic people i know. "i have to get A's" "god im going to fail!" okay...let it be known i have never even been close to failing nor will i approach it this semester so god only knows why i tell myself this. it's hard to ignore those nasty little thoughts that creep into your mind sometimes.

anyway i guess that's all for now. i wish i could end this with some startling revelation that all of a sudden things are perfect and wonderful, but unfortunately i would be lying. but they are steadily getting better and that's all i can really ask for.

"To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there.  It's not about winning.  It's about you, and your relationship to yourself and your family and your friends.  And being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and and know that you didn't let them down.  Because you told them the truth.  And that truth is that you did everything you could.  There wasn't one more thing you could have done.  Can you live in that moment, as best as you can with clear eyes and love in your heart.....with joy in your heart.  If you can do that gentleman...you're perfect."

---Billy Bob Thornton's speech in Friday Night Lights   I love that speech and that movie is awesome!

"One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star"

---Nietzsche    LOVE this quote!!

hi everyone!! (meaning everyone who would happen to stumble upon my site since i haven't used it in ages). i was thinking maybe i would write in here again. we'll see. i seem to say that and then stop for a long time and come back for a little and then leave again. any bets on how long ill last posting in here again? im gonna bet...mmm....2 months. anywho....i think ill check around and see who all actually has a xanga still....

i have pretty much no homework tonight so im psyched about that. yay!!!! and no class tomorrow morning so i dont have to get up early! yay!!! hee hee  so tonight's plan is to watch big fat loser or whatever (that might not be what its called but its something equally degrading to the people who are on it) and then real world and laguna beach. i LOVE laguna beach and i really don't know why. real world is way too short....i feel like nothing happens in half an hour that you didn't already see on all the commercials for it. does anyone know if it used to be an hour? it just always seemed longer. although most times i think i usually caught real world when it was like real world marathons and so thats probably why it seemed long.

k well i think i rambled on sufficiently enough for this to count as a post so im done for now. have great classes tomorrow while im sleeping  i know, im a biotch, but what can i say every other day im getting my ass up at 7 so let me have this one

kisses